There is perhaps no bigger human need than for relational intimacy. Simply put, we need to be loved. But so few actually experience the relational intimacy they so desperately strive for. What is it that keeps us from being satisfied in our relationships?
When you think of the word intimacy, what comes to mind? For many of us in America who are conditioned by an over sexed culture, we imagine images related to the purely physical aspects of intimacy. But intimacy like all human needs has three dimensions to it. We are all triune beings made up of body, soul and spirit. Achieving true intimacy demands a balanced understanding of our humanity.
Intimacy speaks of our need to be loved for who we really are. We desire to be known. We desire to be understood. We desire to be accepted, enjoyed and shared. Intimacy needs show forth humans for who they really are: relational beings created to give and receive love. When our 'love banks' receive too few deposits, we break down on the inside.
Today, I would like to discuss the intimacy killer known as insecurity. Intimacy demands safety. No one can be satisfied relationally or achieve intimacy in an environment of danger and distress. When we don't have to 'watch our back' we are able to open up and be ourselves. There are at least 3 key areas that insecurity injures in the life of relational intimacy.
First, a truly insecure person hides who they really are. When a person is unable to reveal their true self, intimacy dies. Identity masks confuse, control and conceal. Make no mistake, you can't be intimate until the cover ups come off. Intimacy and concealment are polar opposites. You must be healed of insecurity. When we try to be someone we aren't, we might receive the attention we crave, but we will never achieve true love and intimacy. You can't be loved for someone you aren't! Insecurity begins to be healed when we move toward the revelation that we can be loved and accepted by others for who we really are. It is rooted in an understanding that we are made in the image of God. We are worthy to be loved because we are shaped and formed by a God of love. (Genesis 1:27, Psalm 139: 13,14)
Second, insecure people hold on to what they should release. When we don't believe we are worthy of the purest forms of love, we often build fractured and damaged relationships. We accept abuse, injury and control as our relational norms. We are so afraid of 'being alone' we invite relational terrorists into our inner spaces. We grasp for the love we so desperately need and in our lack of discernment ensure we fail to achieve true intimacy. Brokenness breeds more brokenness not wholeness. What you believe about yourself ultimately determines what you expect, allow and embrace in your relational life. When you are insecure, you find it difficult to believe that you deserve to have unconditional love at the core of your relational life. You ask yourself, "Will anyone ever really love me for who I am?" The messages of our media and culture pound our minds with lies of deception, envy and disappointment. Our mirrors remind us of who we aren't.... of who we can never be. But God reminds us again.... and again, "because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made, Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well." (Psalm 139: 14) When you know you are loved for who you really are.....that's intimacy.
Third, insecure people resist what they desperately need. Because insecure people don't believe they can be truly loved for who they are in reality they create pseudo relationships based on falsehoods and deception. They dress, act and communicate lies non-stop until they forget who they really are. They attract people to themselves who are often unable to be true to themselves as well. Two play actors go through the motions of relationship hating themselves and each other more every day.... they lament, "Why can't you satisfy me?" We demand of human beings what they in themselves are incapable.... unconditional love that will never end. You see, you were created to know and enjoy a perfect relationship.... with God....in Christ. When you ignore the reality that you are spiritual, you place all your relational needs and demands on finite and imperfect people. It's when we stop resisting God's perfect and unconditional love that the healing on the inside begins. A forever perfected love fills in the gaps that people can never possibly fill. It takes faith to receive this amazing gift of grace. Intimacy in relationships demands faith at every level. We must believe to move forward in any relationship. Not everyone is deserving of faith and trust in relationships ...... but some are. In our tainted past of pain, disappointments and betrayal we often close ourselves off to the real deal. We resist what we so desperately need.
You were created to be loved! Don't let your own insecurities keep you bound in a prison of your own making. You can be loved for who you really are. Let it begin today with a simple prayer, "God, open the eyes of my heart. I want to experience your unconditional love in my life. Protect me from the false and empty lies of deception in this world. I want the real intimacy I was created for. Help me to believe that you created me as I am. Help me to believe I am worthy of the amazing love that sent Jesus to die for my sins. Heal my broken heart. Amen."
Jim
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