Finding Intimacy in a Lonely World

  It's funny how the things we need the most in life are almost always the most difficult to obtain. Of all the most needy places to be; its the souls need for meaningful relationships that creates the most trials and confusion along life's journey. I am the least likely person to address the topic of intimacy in relationships as my own journey in relationships was extremely stunted and immature until I was challenged in nursing school to do something about it. The word intimacy in and of itself is layered with all sorts of misunderstanding and innuendo. In a sensual and sexually overloaded culture like America the word intimacy instantly conjures up images portrayed in the media of a strictly physical experience.


But as I've prayed and thought about this topic I awoke about 5 a.m. this morning with a few words in my heart that are helping me define intimacy in a new way. Here's my new definition for intimacy that came to me as I awakened: Intimacy is the ability to reveal who you are without regret.


Because of sin, brokenness, fear, abuse, disappointment and misunderstanding, we seldom let others see and know the real US. We constantly are hard at work trying to become someone we aren't. This takes tremendous energy and ensures we will be FOREVER lost on the journey for meaningful and intimate relationships. Intimacy demands many things but foremost is the ability to be true to oneself.


Every culture on earth has defined the essence of beauty in distinct ways that set up boundaries that define attraction, bonding, courtship and the movement toward intimacy. If we don't know who we really are or are not willing to express that we become shaped by externals and betray our inner selves. Confusion, mental illness, anxiety and depression about relationships all have at the root the most grievous of all sins: SELF BETRAYAL. If we have to become someone we are not, a cycle of personal schizophrenia begins that ends in NEVER BEING SATISFIED OR INTIMATE. For if you don't reveal who you really are... you can only live in a place of tormenting regret.


Relational satisfaction begins and ends with the ability to believe you are not a mistake. Your appearance, your personality, your dreams, your desires are all worthy in and of themselves. You are created to love and be loved not as an imitation of someone else but as yourself. To share intimacy with another begins with the ability to know some essential truths revealed by God about you:
1. You are not an accident
2. You are loved by God
3. Even in your broken places and failures, God still loves you


The interesting thing about intimacy is that God started it all. When we are connected in a relationship with the God of Love we have a foundation in which to grow and sustain healthy and satisfying relationships. But what happens when we have been poisoned by relational failures of our own or others making? Intimacy is disrupted, damaged and too often deleted from our lives. 
We run out of the garden that God has prepared for us to live. We substitute serial relationships of increasing toxicity and we hide from people who we really are. It's in a return to the place of trust in God that we can find satisfaction for this our DEEPEST and most fundamental need in life. You can be cut off from food or drink for a time... but when you are cut off from meaningful and intimate relationships, your death is very near... for death is not primarily a biological word.... it's relational. When we die... we are separated not from what we eat, drink or consume as much as we are separated from those with whom we are meant to share ourselves... without regret. Truly, life is all about relationships.

More to come;
Jim

Covenant Marriage: The Vows

  As a father, husband and more recently as a Pastor I have been thinking a lot about the state of marriage in our world... in my world. On December 31st, I will be conducting a marriage ceremony for two dear friends, Richard and Nivi who met here in Mobile as international students. In spite of the intense and satisfying experience of romantic love that is a universal phenomenon, marriage as an institution appears to be 'on the ropes' and declining rapidly in both numbers and quality. As my two dear friends from India prepare for their wedding I have been spending some time trying to communicate the concept of commitment to God and with one another in marriage. The word covenant comes to mind... a solemn agreement.... a serious and absolute agreement to do what one says in the context of a life long relationship. For the Christian, the idea of covenant relationship flows out of grace and the character of God. Without the vertical dependence on God we will inevitably stumble and fail one another in our desire for a covenant marriage. Right now, Mary and I are reading and teaching our way through a book on marriage with a radical premise. The book is called, "Sacred Marriage" and it is written by Gary Thomas. The subtitle for the book says a lot, "What if God designed marriage to make us Holy more than make us happy?" We live in a modern culture saturated with the 'search for happiness'. I can honestly say that in our marriage I have been a very satisfied and blessed man. But I have not always been 'happy' and much of my 'unhappiness' was very important and well placed in making me a better person.... a better husband and a better father to my children. Sometimes happiness is overrated.
  Over the last couple of months my own marriage covenant has been tested by pressure placed upon one of our marriage vows. On June 29th, 1985 Mary and I stood before God, our families and friends to establish our covenant of marriage. We repeated vows that I believe are both biblical and deeply human. Being young and deeply in love the words we spoke carried both excitement and intimidation... the pledge of life long fidelity and commitment seemed somehow overwhelming and difficult to comprehend. One vow struck me hard as I took a deep breath and repeated it publicly, I made a pledge.... a vow to love Mary, "in sickness, and in health..... till death do us part." As I gazed across at my magnificently beautiful wife Mary who was a picture of radiance and excellent health I had difficulty imagining any sickness ever coming our way. Some day perhaps in the long distant future we might have some illness but..... I repeated the words, but knew deep in my heart that the vows which came so easily to my lips would be much harder to live out when the time came...when the test came....when the temptation came.....when our bodies, our souls and perhaps our minds might fail us.
  Two months ago sickness rocked our world suddenly and without warning. Suddenly my wife and I faced a test of our covenant..... of our love for one another. The vision in my right eye was damaged by a serious form of cancer that could end my life. At some points over the last few weeks I have had to literally lean on my wife to walk me down the road....in sickness and in health has come to our door as a reality far weightier than simple words repeated in a formal wedding ceremony. Mary's vows to me (and mine to hers) have been proven to be true. Our love has matured, deepened and grown since that nervous ceremony 26 years ago. Each test of the vows we spoke verbally has served as a basis for something much deeper than we could ever imagine. My hope....my prayer and my deepest desire is to continue to walk in covenant love with Mary Victoria Schiavoni Mather.... a woman whose virtue, passion and love make life so rich for me and so many others. In sickness.... and in health.....till death do us part.

Jim

Operation Birmingham

  I just returned a few days ago from the Callahan Eye Center in Birmingham, Al. It had been a challenging time of waiting and preparation prior to the surgery on Friday, December 9th.  Dr. John Mason inserted a large radiation plaque into the back of the right eye with the presence and assistance of Dr. Kim, a radiation oncologist. The operation itself only took about an hour. For the next 4 days I was confined to my room to let the radiation dose begin to work on the melanoma tumor. On Tuesday of this week they went back into the O.R. to remove the  plaque. Almost immediately after the surgery I got into our car and drove back to Mobile. I have been feeling like an old boxer the last few days. I feel like I have taken a couple of pretty strong punches to the head!
  On the way to the hospital on Friday morning for the initial surgery, Mary asked me, "How do you feel?" I had a very distinct feeling that I could only describe as being 'carried' on a wave of prayer. I had slept the night before the surgery better than I could have expected and went into the operation with complete peace and rest. What a huge blessing knowing that so many have prayed and stood with our family during this medical battle. The results of the surgery will not be known for several months. The Doctor will do an exam of the eye in May to check to see if the radiation has shrunk or killed the tumor. In the meantime we continue to believe in God's healing presence and power in our lives. We were blessed to have several visitors with us during our time in Birmingham. Thanks to Pastor Bruce Terry and Liberty Church Birmingham for allowing us to stay Thursday night in their 'mission house' next to the church. Buford and Ann Lipscomb were able to visit and pray with us before and after surgery. We also had visits from Julie Mehta and Faith Mugeta (former students) and my good friend from Mobile, Steve Weller. We felt so loved and cared for. There is so much healing in sharing your presence with someone going through a trial! Small acts of kindness carry great benefit and power when done in love.
  During our time in Birmingham we also sensed God had a purpose beyond my own physical healing. Somehow the staff of the hospital including nurses and doctors had heard our life stories of helping establish an eye hospital and working in an international church in Mobile. Each night at around 10 p.m. just before getting my vital signs and medicine I would have a 'visitor' who would come by to open his or her heart about what they were seeking for in their lives. I went into the hospital to obtain healing of a 'vision' problem but found myself daily dispensing a prescription of spiritual.... heart vision. Every person I talked with was in what I can only describe as a significant life transition. As they stood by my bedside to give care they had open hearts and ears to what God put on my heart to share with them. I felt the presence of God as I shared my own personal story with those assigned to care for me. I just felt God saying, "I made you a Pastor, right now this is your congregation, love them and speak my words." To be honest, I would prefer not to have 'church' in a hospital! I would prefer not to having my eye operated on to thwart the growth of a cancerous tumor in my eye. But I am not God and I trust that he knows what he is doing when he gives me an assignment like "Operation Birmingham".
  When you speak, act and move as directed by God, you feel his love and presence in powerful and meaningful ways. I went to Birmingham in search of healing and have come away with a renewed love for God and people.... and that's the best healing I could ever imagine.

Jim
  

The Power of Surrender

I am a couple of days away from having surgery on my right eye. The Doctors will put me to sleep and operate in a delicate procedure to treat a cancerous tumor known as melanoma. When I found out I had a problem with my eye, my first thought was one of denial.... I don't want to deal with this! I just wanted to carry on as usual and go to Nepal as I had planned. I even thought about postponing going to see the Doctor and not tell anyone I had experienced loss of vision. I didn't want to lose any sense of control in my life.
  We all have plans and vision for our lives and seldom does it include pain, disappointment, brokenness and illness. We have been discipled by movies and television with neat plots and happy endings. When we come face to face with imperfection, our first tendency is to turn away..... this is not happening..... is it? No amount of denial can take away the reality that we live in an imperfect world and that the illusion of control needs to be confronted and addressed.
  Let me say this plainly, you are not GOD. The world does not revolve around you! The purpose of life is not for you to live comfortably and experience unending pleasure. That stark fact is not meant to discourage you...it's meant to orient you to the real God who created you, shaped you and formed you for his pleasure and purpose in the world. When we yield control to the God of love we experience a power far beyond our understanding. Our destiny and our dreams are not meant to be separated from a willful surrender to God in relationship. Do you begin your days with a plan or a conversation? When you pull yourself out of bed do you consult your calendar or your creator? I had a plan for the fall of 2011. Nothing wrong with planning I assure you. We need to think ahead and plan our tomorrows. But in all our planning and thinking we need to remember the importance of yielding full control of our lives to the God who transcends time and place. There is a plan and a purpose to our lives. That plan is meant to be born out of places of connection and intimacy with a real God of love. For many of us prayer is less about intimacy and surrender than control and manipulation. We want God to do what we want.... or else we forsake him and abandon the relationship. We have affairs with those we can control and manipulate for our own selfish ends. It's not real intimacy but at least we think we are in control...it's a lie.
  Tomorrow morning Mary and I will drive to Birmingham. My heartfelt prayer is that I will continue to yield my heart and my life to God in full surrender. I have been prayed for and loved in so many powerful and meaningful ways over the last several weeks. I want you to know that those prayers are worth so much to me and my family. The love that is transmitted to others as you hold them before God is the most powerful form of communication possible by people. I don't know what the future holds exactly... but I am ok with that. I know who holds the future and I know he has nothing but plans of love for my life. I am lifting my hands and heart in renewed surrender. I am weak but he is strong. I am in need but he has all I could possibly ever need. I have a Father who will never leave me, never forsake me. I am choosing to remain fully surrendered to the God of love. Will you join me?

Jim

The Bridge of Trust

 Love builds the bridge that trust learns to walk on. To yield yourself fully to another person is an act of faith. Intimacy and complete satisfaction in relationship are uncommon. No matter how much we seek to rely on outward beauty and techniques of emotional, physical or intellecutal bonding, we still fall far short of achieving true intimacy.

  Love in all its richness and depth is built over a lifetime of quality materials: patience , kindness, selflessness, hope, endurance, forgiveness and a strong foundation of TRUST. Trust is the ability to fully disclose all of who you are to someone without fear of betrayal, deception or denial of affection. Trust is the profound experience of allowing yourself to be known in totality: all your goodness, successes, dreams, failures, weaknesses and fears.

  Trust is something that is built over time. It demands consistency and reliability. The love that satisfies is not built on fantasy or image. No amount of 'makeup' or wardrobe changes can alter a defective character. You don't love the mirror image of a person.... which can be easily manipulated or 'air brushed'. You can only love a real person whose character is revealed by how they treat themselves.... and how they treat you.

  Do you want to experience true love? Do you long to be known and to know another in truth and pure love? Are you worthy of another's complete trust? Are you reliable? Are you a man or woman of your word? Does what you say match up with how you treat those closest to you? A love deficits root cause is most often a character deficit. We attract and draw people to us who are most like us. Are you looking to obtain and 'get what you want' in relationships? Are you a TAKER? Then most likely you are a magnet for other self centered and immature people.

  Satisfaction in love is founded on becoming who you were born to be, before demanding what you think you want. We need to be transformed on the inside ......we must be born from above by God's grace. The bedrock stone of trust is found in knowing our Savior Jesus Christ. He proved worthy of trust by giving everything in dying for our sin....our inner brokenness. Are you a giver? What are you willing to sacrifice on behalf of the one you claim to love?

  When you're changed on the inside, you can become satisfied on the outside. Relational intimacy is rooted in inner transformation. Are you at peace with yourself?  Are you at peace with others?  Are you at peace with God?

Love trusts...... and trust loves. It's time to start believing.... and its time to start loving. That's where life begins and that's the life you know you want. 

Jim

The Call to Create

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Everything we see, know and experience is an outcome of the created acts of God. Creativity is at the center of life itself. When God created people he proclaimed, "Let us make people in our image, to be like ourselves."

  To be made in the image of God is a high calling that enables us to have relationship with God. It also deposits within us both an ability and a desire for creativity. To create simply means to bring into existence. God has invested into our souls the ability to bring things into existence which are first 'seen' within our minds and hearts. The ability to imagine and then bring the unseen into the realm of reality is a treasure of immense magnitude. It's a reflection of the deepest values of being human.

  As the Pastor of a newly formed church known as All Nations Community Church, I am in the dreaming and creative phase of church development. Being a part of a church family of immense diversity has brought me face to face with the desire to create something that reflects God's beauty and glory. Just being around people from all over the world you can sense the depth of God's creative glory in times of prayer in various languages and song. But there is something deeper. 

  There is a story of stories that carries God's love around the globe. Story is the narrative that God so loved the world that he both created, redeemed and called us to himself forever. It's such an intense drama of unfolding love that the arts of writing, drawing, drama and music are necessary to carry the full weight of his glory. In history, we can see the creative power of the soul unleashed on the Sistine chapel ceiling. We listen transfixed to the powerful music of Handel's Messiah. We read the amazing writing of Tolkien's Lord of the Rings trilogy unveiling the battle of good versus evil. And yet deep inside we know that there is more creativity yet to be unleashed into the earth.

  I believe God is wanting to call artists back home to himself. There is sadly a huge gulf between the modern art world and the story of stories that art is meant to proclaim. We need a new renaissance to awaken our world to the beauty of God. I am actively praying and believing God that All Nations Community Church will be an oasis for artists to develop and share their creative talents with the world around them. Every community of believers has a varied deposit of grace held within them. It's a mosaic of varied artistry that if called upon will speak in agreement with the words of scripture that God exists.....and he is love.

  What if artists felt the freedom to be loved and honored within the family of God for who they are as creative talent? I believe that art can become a viable means of communicating grace in forms that we often ignore and deny. The spoken word of scripture is the foundation stone of revelation.  The truth of God's word informs and guides all forms of creative release. 

  At present I am encouraging our worship team to write and perform original music. I believe God is writing a unique story of love and grace in our midst. But I believe God wants to do so much more in our midst in the area of creativity. I believe we will see new books and plays written. I believe we will see a literal community of artists call All Nations Community Church their spiritual home. I believe we will see paintings, sculpture and other forms of art being created to communicate the message of God's love for the nations.

  The most fundamental of revelations about God are also the most profound. God is big and we are small. And yet even in our smallness we remain a reflector of God's magnificence. By writing this I am proclaiming something that is not yet.... as though it will be..... with a few words I am calling something the future into existence......faith. The deposit of God in my soul enables me to dream.... to believe....to hope .... and to love. And with that dream there remains a yet unknown cast of characters.... of artists who will join me in this calling to create. Perhaps you are reading this and searching for a spiritual family who will embrace who you are..... in your talents, dreams, desires and yes even in your weakness and brokenness. I have good news, welcome home. Come and be a part of the mosaic of life we call All Nations Community Church.

www.allnationsmobile.org

Jim

Dreams: Journey into the Unknown

  Dreams can be so vivid and powerful in our lives. The imagery in dreams leaves us wondering, what does it all mean? Dreams can be used to draw us into the future with hope and expectancy. Dreams can also leave us feeling frustrated and anxious. Will what we dream about ever really happen? Dreams have the ability to tap into our inner life in a way that can alter our behavior in both positive and negative ways. Dreams involve both the soulish and spiritual realms of our lives. But how do dreams come to pass? What part can I play in 'making it happen'. Dreams are like a finished painting that we have to insert ourselves into after the first 'rough draft' has been etched. When we first encounter a significant dream for our lives we are often tempted to run into the future without proper preparation or planning. We want to jump into the deep water of the 'not yet'. What we are experiencing at times like these is deeply profound and real. We should not minimize the awesome reality and power of glimpsing the future before it happens....this is an amazing gift from God enabled by faith. A very powerful definition of faith is found in the New Testament book of Hebrews chapter 11 and verse 1, "It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see."

  In 1989 I received a surprising phone call from someone I had never met. In a strong British accent a man named Dr. Howard Harper called me after hearing about me through a mutual friend. Later I had realized I had heard of Dr. Harper from a book I had read about ministry in Afghanistan. Dr. Harper was quite blunt and bold in our conversation. He informed me that he had heard I had a desire (dream) to do medical ministry in Asia. Howard's question to me was simple and straightforward, "How would you like to help me start an eye hospital in Pakistan?" I was stunned by his question and immediately was thinking, "How can I hang up on this guy?" I had absolutely no interest in working in an eye hospital! Howard questions continued in rapid fire sequence, Would I be willing to do eye surgery myself? Would I be willing to go to England to study Ophthalmology? My head was spinning and in an effort to get off the phone I told him I would need to pray! He assured me that was a good idea and pledged to follow up again with me soon! Up until this phone call I had been working in intensive care units for several years. I had no background in eye care whatsoever and now I was being asked to consider doing eye surgery!

  Dreams are often outlines God deposits into our minds and hearts to thrust us outward into the unknown of his prepared future. When we are impacted by dreams and visions we often make incomplete and wrong assumptions about what that future will really look like in reality. "We see things imperfectly as in a poor mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity." (1 Corinthians 13:12) Sometimes the next step on our path toward our future is not what we expected at all. I had a very fuzzy and general desire to serve God in medical ministry overseas. Now suddenly a phone call from God (in the person of Dr. Harper) stunned me enough to challenge my faith deeply. At one point during the call I pushed back against Dr. Harper regarding doing eye surgery... I told him flatly, "I have no training and skill in doing eye surgery!"  And then Dr. Harper said something that still resonates to me all these years later, "I didn't ask you if you could do eye surgery, I asked you if you would be WILLING to do eye surgery.... if you were trained properly." That was a fair question and in good faith I had to say that indeed I was willing. He was satisfied with my answer and the first step on a 9 year odyssey to Pakistan began with that simple response, "Yes, I am willing."

  Every dream draws us out to places we have never been. To think that you can accomplish your dream with the skill set you presently have is absurd. A dream is a journey of faith that requires many steps into the unknown of learning, risk, adventure and danger. If you want to dream, you'll have to move into uncharted waters where most fear to journey
.
  Our imagination tries to fill in the blanks of the unpainted portions of our dreams journey. There is nothing wrong with that. Imagination serves its purpose in giving the rough draft of our future.... but there is a danger in putting too much faith in this temporary mental map. When we actually get to where our dream is taking and it looks very little like we have imagined, we can become deeply disappointed and regretful. Our faith and hope need to be centered on a relationship with the Dream Maker himself. When we have that ongoing relationship and things don't turn out as we have planned we have an anchor to hold us while we fear and falter. Perhaps you have gotten to a place in your dream journey where you've wound up in unexpected places with unexpected people. You feel alone and fearful. You are asking, just what is going on in my life anyway? There is Someone who wants to reorient you to where you are now, and where you're going to.... but it takes faith to get there.  Believers dream.......and dreamers believe. "So you see it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who comes to him must believe that there is a God and  that he rewards those who sincerely seek him." (Hebrews chapter 11:6)

  Your dreams are taking you somewhere. The destiny for your life will deeply satisfy you in every dimension of your being. But that destiny is wrapped around relationship and not just isolated acts of achievement and accomplishment. When you get to where you're going the joy and the satisfaction of the journey is judged by the quality of your relationships more than your income or material wealth. Life is all about relationships and the Dream Weaver himself, your creator and God is calling you forward into the unknown. Let's dream together..... let's believe.

Jim