On June 29th, my wife and I celebrated our 26th anniversary. 26 seems like a small number when I think of how quickly those years have gone by. On the evening before our wedding, I can remember being unable to sleep as I anticipated our wedding and the reality of the commitment I was making. During our engagement Mary had repeatedly asked me the same question, "Are you sure?" Just prior to meeting me Mary had been engaged to someone else who on Valentine's day had backed out and asked for the ring back. This would leave anyone feeling insecure and in need of affirmation before moving toward marriage. I repeatedly reassured Mary that I was sure I wanted to spend my life with her. But in fact any human being knows that in and of themselves the idea of a life time commitment is both intimidating and challenging.
In the United States we have the highest divorce rate in the Western world: as many as 60 percent of men and half of women will have sex with somebody other than their spouse during their marriage. In spite of the infidelity, Americans remain committed to searching for their 'soul mate'. We spend $72 billion a year on weddings alone! There is this push and pull between "happily ever after" images of marriage and an inability to commit to anyone in the here and now. To put it simply there has never been a bigger disconnect between what what we say we want and what we actuate in our daily lives.
The percentage of married Americans has dropped each decade since the 1950's and the number of unmarried but cohabiting partners has risen a 1,000 percent over the last 40 years. At 28 for men and 26 for women, the median age at which Americans are marrying is at the highest point ever!
Having children outside of a marriage commitment is common now. 41 percent of children born in 2008 in America were to unmarried moms.
While Hollywood and romance novels are replete with plots involving searching for the "one" who will bring ultimate fulfillment our society has left us wondering how to make choices at all. We have produced a generation that loves choice but hates choosing.
The expectations that we place on any future soul mate can seem to border on the Super Hero of Romance: best friend, business partner, hot lover, companion, soul mate etc....
Perhaps on our search for the 'perfect' husband and wife we might just be looking for something else. The first 'marriage' was arranged.... by God. Genesis 2: 18-24 recounts for us the reality of the need that God saw in his created Adam for an Eve. The God given need for an Adam or and Eve in our life does not actually substitute for our need for God himself!
And yet that is what we have done. We have compartmentalized our sexuality from our spirituality. We have substituted a pseudo spirituality of marriage ritual for the God ordained reality of covenant relationship. In the phrase "Happily Ever After" we reveal our naivety and selfishness. A relationship designed for intimacy and longevity can never be based around a goal of 'happiness' at its core. The goal of marriage must go far beyond temporal mood and the insecurity of worldly happiness alone.
For sure marriage will have moments or happiness and seasons of abject pleasure and fulfillment. But the stages of every life involve just as many seasons of trial, tragedy and temptation. There has to be something deeper and more sustaining than temporary 'good times' to sustain and fulfill an empty heart.
God 's call to intimacy in the covenant of marriage goes deeper than our society currently embraces. The traditional vows of marriage of 'in sickness and health... in poverty and wealth.....till death do us part.... seem quaint and dated to a culture that demands personal gratification above all. If we're not happy.... well why go on? We bail out and repeat the cycle hoping for different results.
Could it be that the "God" kind of marriage is more about holiness than happiness? Sacred marriage and true intimacy depend on a commitment that goes beyond transient feelings and emotions. Perhaps God's call to be Holy (whole in body,soul and spirit) is a serious one indeed. Marriage that is lived apart from God's call to intimacy with him and with one another is a failed enterprise indeed.
One of the enduring anthems of the Rock and Roll generation of the 1960's is an anthem made famous by the group, The Rolling Stones. The lyric refrain repeats over and over, "I can't get no satisfaction". That my friend is the song that the world must sing over and over when it denies the truths that marriage so definitively depends on.
Satisfaction in intimacy demands that our creator be involved at every level of our relationships. We are sinners and we cannot ultimately achieve forever love without him. 26 years of marriage with Mary have left me much more than "happy". I am full of satisfaction at every level of my life... and more importantly, I am more aware of my need for God and his love than ever before.
I have searched for love and found it...in God and with Mary.
Jim
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