Identity: Finding the Real You

 Do you know who you are? No, I am not talking about your name, your birthplace, your social security number or other pertinent facts you might be asked by a police officer if you are caught speeding on the highway. I am asking a deeper philosophical question about the core of WHO you are. In our search for meaningful lives if we leave the fundamental question of identity unanswered, we will never get to where we were meant to be in life.

  The most difficult questions to answer in life are at their root spiritual ones. They cut to the core of the meaning of life. Why am I here? For what purpose was I born? What does it really mean to be loved? Who am I anyway?

  We develop a sense of identity by the culture and environment that we are born into. We are shaped spiritually and emotionally by the words spoken to us in our childhood. We hear things said about us, even while our own ability to speak is being formed and developed. The power of words spoken over us and to us, shapes our identity and expectations of life. Our view of ourselves and our world can either be accurate or inaccurate depending on the reliability of those given access to our minds and hearts as children.

  When we are born into a home where we are loved, nurtured and cared for in a healthy environment, we are more likely to discover who we really are. The ability to think for oneself, to discover, to explore and to know ourselves is a gift of immense value and magnitude. We must know who we really are before we can find that sense of inner contentment and peace on the inside. When you don't know who you are, you'll strive to be someone else. And in that striving we torment ourselves and ultimately hurt others as well.

  We were born for love. Jesus told us clearly that relationship and purpose are deeply intertwined. In the gospel of Matthew (ch. 22 and verses 37-40) Jesus was challenged by the religious leaders of his day to answer what was the most important moral law in life. Instead of commenting on any specific behavior, Jesus answer challenges our own views of religion and morality, Jesus said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and most important commandment. The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the law and prophets depend on these two commandments."

  Man made religion fails to understand this absolute and fundamental truth: Life is all about relationships.... and relationships to be healthy need to be honest and permeated with unconditional love and acceptance of one another. We cannot discover who we really are until we have been loved unconditionally.

  People were born for love and we will search for it inexorably until we find what we're looking. The challenge in life is to find the real deal before the false and substitutes either kill us or injure us severely. Our soul in its striving for unconditional acceptance and love will sometimes get sucked into the lies and traps of lust and relational abuse. When we don't know the way to love we'll get lost on the journey toward knowing who we really are.

  Fortunately for us, God in his mercy is on a rescue mission to help us find his love.... and ourselves. In an amazing display of the unconditional love and acceptance we all long for he came to us and showed us the way home. In the gospel of John he tell us , "For God so loved the world in this way: He gave his One and Only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life." The reality is none of us fully know who we are until we know on a personal level that deep and nearly unfathomable love of Jesus. (John 3:16)

  The love of the world is deeply marred by conditions, expectations and limitations. I will love you if....... The superficiality of the world's love is easily observed by the content of our media and entertainment. We are told who can or cannot be loved based on appearances: waistlines, facial features, skin colors, wealth etc..... the conditional love of the world creates a schizophrenia and uncertainty that frustrates and mars the human soul. We cannot find what we're looking for when the world keeps changing the measuring rod of who we're supposed to be.

  The beauty of grace and love brought to us in Jesus Christ is that you get to be yourself.... and still be loved. When you falter (and you will) you're still loved and fully accepted. Jesus does not toss you out with the garbage of your own failures and sins.... he goes out and gets you and brings you home. And in that love and acceptance you become who you were born to be.... and you find out who you really are. You are a son or a daughter of a loving God. Born for love.... and to be loved forever. Welcome home!

Road blocks to Intimacy: Unforgiveness

 In our desire for intimate, loving and meaningful relationship we inevitably run into the potential for deep hurt and disappointment. To open your heart in a broken world involves huge risk. The further we go into relational 'deep waters' the higher the risk and more costly the failure.

  Our media readily tells us how to 'fall in love' but not what to do when we 'fall out' into bitterness, pain, malice and unforgiveness. The pain of broken relationships is much worse than any physical pain. No amount of pain medicine or illicit drug use can overcome the anxiety, depression and unrelenting anger that issues out of a broken heart. How do we find healing and hope for our bruised souls?

  The natural tendency due to our broken inner lives (sin) is to seek revenge and to strike back against those who have harmed us in relationships. Jesus spoke clearly about his view on our seeking revenge, " You have heard that the law of Moses says, 'If an eye is injured, injure the eye of the person who did it. If a tooth is knocked out, knock out the tooth of the person who did it. But I say, don't resist an evil person! If you are slapped on the right cheek, turn the other, too. If you are ordered to court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat too. If a soldier demands that you carry his gear for a mile, carry it two miles. Give to those who ask, and don't turn away from those who want to borrow. (Mt. 5:38-41)

  Forgiveness is an amazing act of grace that connects us to a God who chooses to love us in spite of our many failures.  To forgive means that we give up resentment....we allow room for error or weaknes....or failure.  We make a decision to no longer seek payment on a wrong done to us. While our emotions might not initially be along for the ride, our will makes a choice to respond to God's grace by releasing others from their 'debts' to us. We are created with an innate sense of morality. We have inner scales that tell us (sometimes wrongly) whether we are being treated justly. When others sin against us, our first response is to attempt to balance the scales.

  Forgiveness is an outrageous act of trust in a loving God that says we believe he will make all things right in the end. We let go of the "god" card and agree to get off the throne that only the true God can sit on. We begin to agree with teachings of Jesus who said, "If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you, But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins." (Mt 6:14,15)

  If life is all about relationships (and it is) than when we refuse to forgive, we cease really living. We might have a physical heart beat, but when it comes to the true meaning of life, we're dead. To be a follower of Christ means to live a life that actively seeks to make peace with people...even those have deeply hurt and offended us.  Jesus said it well, "Blessed are the those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God." (Mt. 5:9)

  When we're offended we often argue for our 'rights'. We demand what is rightfully ours and won't budge until we get what we feel we deserve. We forget how deeply we ourselves need to be forgiven. To be a follower of Jesus Christ means to be a person who willingly surrenders their human rights to receive their heavenly promise. Jesus is building a kingdom where mercy rains down on all who call upon him in  truth. You can 'get what you want'' while missing what you really need.

  Following Jesus means we prepare ourselves to make allowances for each other's faults and forgive those who offend us. We remember that God has forgiven us...and so we choose by God's grace to forgive... to release others to God. Yes, there are consequences for evil behavior done by others. Yes, relationships that are built upon trust take time to be rebuilt and the fractures often take years to heal completely if ever. ... But forgive, we must. (Colossians 3:13)

  Perhaps you have been deeply hurt by someone. Perhaps you have been betrayed, abused or rejected. The pain is immense. You are struggling to go on even now. There are parts of your emotional life you dare not open to others because of what has happened to you. God is not expecting you to forgive in your own strength. We first need to receive his love, grace and forgiveness and in the process of his touch...we are empowered to release. When we take our two arms and embrace all of grace, the power of revenge is emasculated and broken.

  Love doesn't demand forgiveness as much it empowers and enables it. When you know the love that will never end, you're able to bury the pain, the hurt and horrors of what happened to you.  The sting of death and the stench of abuse never go away on their own. It takes the power of a risen and loving Savior to set us free... in this life and ultimately in the next.

  Intimacy and love are waiting at the door of your heart and soul. Today, let go of the burden of revenge. Receive the forgiveness and love you so desperately need.... and be free....at last. Forgive and be healed from the inside out.

Jim

Insecurity

Insecurity Keeps us in a prison of our own making.

An insecure person is one of the most dangerous people on the planet...to themselves and to anyone around them. That is a bold statement to begin a brief note about the topic of insecurity. What does it mean to be insecure?  An insecure person is someone who is not confident or sure....uncertain....not firmly rooted, fastened or fixed. Insecurity flows out of identity confusion. When you don't know who you really are as a person, it's impossible to feel secure in oneself. Symptoms of insecurity include fear, anxiety, jealousy and envy.

An insecure person is someone who spends tremendous effort in hiding who they really are. They tend to spend money and time looking and acting like others in their peer group. There is a a tendency to focus on appearances and not on deeper issues of character and commitment. Emotionally and relationally, insecurity breeds a tendency toward holding on to what should be released or rejected. An insecure person ironically has great difficulty in receiving affirmation, forgiveness and acceptance.

  When insecurity steers your soul, collisions and conflict are inevitable. Insecure people tend to have revolving door relationships and friendships. When you don't like who you are, you inevitably don't believe that others are capable of liking you either. This leads to the development of relational schizophrenia. You become adept at developing multiple personalities that you 'wear' depending upon who you are with at the moment. Conflict in relationships for the insecure is inevitable because all relationships demand some level of honesty and transparency. When people begin to unravel your masks you react and strike back out of your your own inherent anxiety and fears. The result is the tendency to withdrawl and abandon... and start the same unhealthy cycle all over again. A lot of people know your name... but no one really knows you. Insecure people are deeply lonely and isolated no matter how busy their social calendar. Since insecure people are seeking for acceptance and love using artificial and ineffective methods, they frequently act out to reduce their inner pain. The acting out can involve sexual promiscuity, abuse of drugs or alcohol or physical and emotional abuse. An insecure person feels a lack of control over their lives. They can't stand being alone, but because of self deception and the wearing of masks they always feel alone. No one really know a truly insecure person.

  What is the way out of relational prison for an insecure person? The foundational principle in all of life's inner healing is this: God cannot fix something that we deny is broken. The first step to healing is always to admit and reveal our broken places. Jesus profoundly tell us of a progressive healing of the soul that comes when we apply truth to our lives, "You shall know the truth... and the truth shall make you free." (John 8:32) God wants to transform us into who we really were born to be. He does this by changing the way we think about ourselves. "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is. (Romans 12:2)

  People get lost physically because they don't know where they are. People get lost spiritually because they don't know who they are. God's word provides the answer regarding our identity issues to all who will be humble enough to ask, seek and knock.

  You were born to be loved.You have to know who you are before you know what to do. In an atmosphere of of love, acceptance and forgiveness we become who God created us to be. Insecurity dissipates over time when we know we're loved for who we really are. We can lay aside the masks and self deception and for the first time experience the power and pure joy of relational intimacy. You can be healed of insecurity..... you must be healed. Let's walk into the light of God's love, acceptance and forgiveness together....welcome home...welcome to love.

Learning to Listen

 Life's deepest meaning and fulfillment is found in relationships built on love. Life is meant to be a shared experience of self giving and receiving. One of the key skills that make relationships satisfying is the ability to really hear one another. To really 'know' one another we first need to hear one another at every level of reality. Who are you really? Who am I? Listen, really listen and you discover the deeper and more profound layers of reality that is the person you seek to know and love.

  When we really want to know and love someone we develop an intensity and focus that moves us beyond casual observation. Distracted and selfish people make poor lovers and horrible friends. The selfish man and woman demand that the universe circle around their own demands and desires. The ability to really hear is dependent on seeing the value in the object of your desire and love. When we lay aside the mirrors focused on self we begin to see the reality that self satisfaction is dependent on relationships of sacrifice and giving. As St. Francis has
said, "It's in giving to all men that we receive, and in dying (to self) that we are born to eternal life."

  The ability to perceive and enjoy beauty is dependent on being immersed in truth. Lies distort beauty and bend it to the will of lust and the externals of appearance.  When we begin to love others in purity we begin to hear things others ignore and belittle. The beauty of a child's laughter, the whisper of wisdom from a grandfather, the unspoken hopes of a youth in transition, the poetic desire of blooming love all serve to open our hearts to what really matters: love in all its forms, ages, shapes and realities. We were born for one another in an endless circle of relational love.

  Listening takes time. It says you are worthy of waiting and straining in the direction of knowing who you really are.  It says, "Tell me your story, I really want to know you, I am not in a hurry, you are worthy of my time....my life and my all." Are you a good listener?

  Do you want to know love in all its depth and beauty? You will have to learn to listen! You cannot love, really and truly love someone that you don't have respect for. You cannot respect one that you're not truly listening to. Love listens carefully for what has been said, what isn't being said and for what needs to be said.

Love Listens.

Intimacy Killers: Insecurity

  There is perhaps no bigger human need than for relational intimacy. Simply put, we need to be loved. But so few actually experience the relational intimacy they so desperately strive for. What is it that keeps us from being satisfied in our relationships? 

  When you think of the word intimacy, what comes to mind? For many of us in America who are conditioned by an over sexed culture, we imagine images related to the purely physical aspects of intimacy. But intimacy like all human needs has three dimensions to it. We are all triune beings made up of body, soul and spirit. Achieving true intimacy demands a balanced understanding of our humanity.

  Intimacy speaks of our need to be loved for who we really are. We desire to be known. We desire to be understood. We desire to be accepted, enjoyed and shared. Intimacy needs show forth humans for who they really are: relational beings created to give and receive love. When our 'love banks' receive too few deposits, we break down on the inside.

  Today, I would like to discuss the intimacy killer known as insecurity. Intimacy demands safety. No one can be satisfied relationally or achieve intimacy in an environment of danger and distress. When we don't have to 'watch our back' we are able to open up and be ourselves. There are at least 3 key areas that insecurity injures in the life of relational intimacy.

  First, a truly insecure person hides who they really are. When a person is unable to reveal their true self, intimacy dies. Identity masks confuse, control and conceal. Make no mistake, you can't be intimate until the cover ups come off.  Intimacy and concealment are polar opposites. You must be healed of insecurity. When we try to be someone we aren't, we might receive the attention we crave, but we will never achieve true love and intimacy. You can't be loved for someone you aren't! Insecurity begins to be healed when we move toward the revelation that we can be loved and accepted by others for who we really are. It is rooted in an understanding that we are made in the image of God. We are worthy to be loved because we are shaped and formed by a God of love. (Genesis 1:27, Psalm 139: 13,14)

  Second, insecure people hold on to what they should release. When we don't believe we are worthy of the purest forms of love, we often build fractured and damaged relationships. We accept abuse, injury and control as our relational norms. We  are so afraid of 'being alone' we invite relational terrorists into our inner spaces. We grasp for the love we so desperately need and in our lack of discernment ensure we fail to achieve true intimacy. Brokenness breeds more brokenness not wholeness. What you believe about yourself ultimately determines what you expect, allow and embrace in your relational life. When you are insecure, you find it difficult to believe that you deserve to have unconditional love at the core of your relational life. You ask yourself, "Will anyone ever really love me for who I am?" The messages of our media and culture pound our minds with lies of deception, envy and disappointment. Our mirrors remind us of who we aren't.... of who we can never be. But God reminds us again.... and again, "because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made, Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well." (Psalm 139: 14) When you know you are loved for who you really are.....that's intimacy.

  Third, insecure people resist what they desperately need. Because insecure people don't believe they can be truly loved for who they are in reality they create pseudo relationships based on falsehoods and deception. They dress, act and communicate lies non-stop until they forget who they really are. They attract people to themselves who are often unable to be true to themselves as well. Two play actors go through the motions of relationship hating themselves and each other more every day.... they lament, "Why can't you satisfy me?" We demand of human beings what they in themselves are incapable.... unconditional love that will never end. You see, you were created to know and enjoy a perfect relationship.... with God....in Christ. When you ignore the reality that you are spiritual, you place all your relational needs and demands on finite and imperfect people. It's when we stop resisting God's perfect and unconditional love that the healing on the inside begins. A forever perfected love fills in the gaps that people can never possibly fill. It takes faith to receive this amazing gift of grace.  Intimacy in relationships demands faith at every level. We must believe to move forward in any relationship. Not everyone is deserving of faith and trust in relationships ...... but some are. In our tainted past of pain, disappointments and betrayal we often close ourselves off to the real deal. We resist what we so desperately need.

  You were created to be loved!  Don't let your own insecurities keep you bound in a prison of your own making. You can be loved for who you really are. Let it begin today with a simple prayer, "God, open the eyes of my heart. I want to experience your unconditional love in my life. Protect me from the false and empty lies of deception in this world. I want the real intimacy I was created for. Help me to believe that you created me as I am. Help me to believe I am worthy of the amazing love that sent Jesus to die for my sins. Heal my broken heart. Amen."

Jim

Intimacy Killers: Control

  To be loved for who you are is the most essential human need. The development and growth of intimacy in our relationships demands maturity and selflessness. It's difficult to find deeply satisfying relationships, but easy to have shallow and frustrating 'friendships'.

 Due to our own insecurities and fears we often resort to ineffective and fatal behaviors in our relationships. Perhaps one of the most fatal of all is the manifestation of a controlling spirit. True love inspires, enables and empowers freedom of choice. All true love is rooted and grounded in the ability to move forward and maintain the relationship based on freedom and trust.

When we try to take control of another persons choices in relationship, we ensure the death of any possibility of true intimacy. A spirit of control closes the human spirit and damages the soul. We were not born to be 'controlled' and manipulated....we were born for real love.

The worst form of counterfeit love and intimacy is rooted in a horrific mutation of love known as narcissism.... the pathologic love of self. The narcissist doesn't love the other... he or she seeks to smother...to suffocate....to shape the other into whatever brings the ego the greatest pleasure of the moment. The root cause of a controlling spirit is the worship of self. The controller must be satisfied above all else...above all others. The partner of a controller is a slave of whatever they want: sex, attention, adulation, conversation, money or someone to hurt deeply.

The tragic end of someone dominated by a controlling spirit is the destruction of all their relationships and ultimately themselves. When we don't allow others to be free to love or reject us.... to set up boundaries in relationships based on trust and the natural patterns of growth over time that intimacy demands... to that extent we enslave ourselves to faux relationships based on lies and deception.

The more we attempt to squeeze others to conform to what we want....the more we dishonor them. People are made in the image of their creator who describes himself for us with three simple words, "God is love". God's image in us is honored and respected when we allow others to choose in relationship. God's great love doesn't demand a response....it wins a response through proving his love. You can't love someone you don't trust. You can't be intimate with someone who seeks to use you for his or her own selfish desires.

Intimacy demands freedom. Do you seek for deeply satisfying relationships? Begin today to set others free in your life. Stop demanding what you want and start giving who you really are... no strings .... no chains. Real love is both a choice and a gift. You can't demand it...but you can give it and receive it from a God who is true love personified.