The Journey to Healing: Lessons Learned in Getting Well

  I was seated in Dr. John Mason's office waiting for my one year follow up exam for treatment of a melanoma tumor discovered 13 months previously. Dr. Mason bounded into the room and looked precisely into my dilated right eye with a slit lamp. His diagnosis was curt and to the point, "Melanoma completely dead." And with that proclamation a journey that I never wanted to take had come to an end!

  In late October of 2011, I noticed a sudden change in the vision of my right eye. It came unexpectedly and without warning. We have a default setting in our lives that assumes health and well being. When sickness of any kind intrudes our first defense mechanism is often denial. We are supposed to be well.... right? So in the first few hours of noticing I could not see well, I wanted it all to just be my imagination. I didn't want to say anything to my wife Mary at first. Having an education in nursing and more specifically having received advanced training in Ophthalmology, I knew this potentially could be very bad. But I didn't want it to be.... I had plans! Illness and disease can interrupt our well laid plans with such immediacy and force that I was definitely going to try my best to deny my way out of this! I mentioned to Mary I was going to get an eye exam prior to my upcoming trip to Nepal. In a few weeks I was supposed to travel with a group to Nepal to work with my friends Sudip and Anne Lise Khadka. I needed to be well to travel to this beautiful nation on the other side of the world!

  I had a complete check up by an Optometrist two days after my initial change in vision. I failed my 'visual fields' test. I had a serious problem. The Optometrist initially thought the problem was a retinal hemorrhage and detachment (bleeding of the retina). I did indeed have that bleeding but it was caused by a large cancerous tumor pressing into the retina. It seems that for quite a long time I had this tumor growing dangerously into the back of my eye. For several months at least I had been in some form of denial. I remembered having a few 'near misses' while driving. I remembered tripping and falling several times while jogging when I didn't see things near my feet. I had fallen hard onto my left shoulder and it always seemed my right foot was betraying me. It took a long time for me to seek help for what was a life threatening problem!  If I had waited much longer for treatment and help it would have been much more difficult to bring healing to my life. Once Melanoma spreads beyond the eye it is often fatal.

  Denial had almost done it's fatal and sinister work.... of denying me healing and wellness. The first bedrock principle of healing is that we need to admit we're in need of help before we're healed! Too often we continue in denial until it's too late. Whether it's physical, mental or spiritual healing, the first step toward healing is always an acceptance of what's really happening in our lives. We don't want to get off the train of busyness to address the deep issues confronting our health. We want to do. We want to accomplish. We want to experience and live our dreams. But we are human beings and in that humanity there are ebbs and flows of wellness that sometimes say to us in various ways: Stop....Rest.....and become well.....be healed!

  We want healing ..... we want to be well....but we want it on our terms and timetable. I remember when I was advised by experienced physicians and experts that my own healing would involve the surgical implantation of a 'radiation plaque' into the back of my eye for 4 days. Needless to say it did not appeal to me at all. A radiologist informed me that most likely the effects of the radiation would  seriously reduce my vision in that eye. I didn't want either surgery or radiation! So prior to the surgery I prayed a lot! A few times after I prayed with eyes closed, I would open my affected eye and sense my vision was better. But in fact there was no change. It seemed as if I would have to go through the process recommended by my medical team. There was an internal struggle going on.  Couldn't I hit rewind and get back to being the healthy Pastor who helped heal others?

  Healing is indeed a journey. I hope to do some writing on the journey to healing over the next couple of weeks. The first lesson I learned on the journey to healing is that I need to move beyond denial. I need to be honest with myself and others to begin the journey and process that is healing. Let the healing begin!

Jim