River of Tears

Childhoods stolen, Innocence lost

Wandering souls paid a heavy cost

Evil rips and tears again

Questions, Questions pouring out

Who will listen to the voice of love?

The mirror speaks but we turn away

Inside our hearts, the answers lay

The Father calls and whispers words

'I'm calling all to a land called love'

His hands extended, the tears are real

The scars were born with a heavy price

An innocent Son on the darkest day

You're not alone when the evil comes

On the other side there's a land called love

Tears are flowing like a river stream

No simple answers on the darkest day

Stay and listen, Hold a Hand

Embrace the mourning and share the love

The Journey to Healing: Lessons Learned in Getting Well

  I was seated in Dr. John Mason's office waiting for my one year follow up exam for treatment of a melanoma tumor discovered 13 months previously. Dr. Mason bounded into the room and looked precisely into my dilated right eye with a slit lamp. His diagnosis was curt and to the point, "Melanoma completely dead." And with that proclamation a journey that I never wanted to take had come to an end!

  In late October of 2011, I noticed a sudden change in the vision of my right eye. It came unexpectedly and without warning. We have a default setting in our lives that assumes health and well being. When sickness of any kind intrudes our first defense mechanism is often denial. We are supposed to be well.... right? So in the first few hours of noticing I could not see well, I wanted it all to just be my imagination. I didn't want to say anything to my wife Mary at first. Having an education in nursing and more specifically having received advanced training in Ophthalmology, I knew this potentially could be very bad. But I didn't want it to be.... I had plans! Illness and disease can interrupt our well laid plans with such immediacy and force that I was definitely going to try my best to deny my way out of this! I mentioned to Mary I was going to get an eye exam prior to my upcoming trip to Nepal. In a few weeks I was supposed to travel with a group to Nepal to work with my friends Sudip and Anne Lise Khadka. I needed to be well to travel to this beautiful nation on the other side of the world!

  I had a complete check up by an Optometrist two days after my initial change in vision. I failed my 'visual fields' test. I had a serious problem. The Optometrist initially thought the problem was a retinal hemorrhage and detachment (bleeding of the retina). I did indeed have that bleeding but it was caused by a large cancerous tumor pressing into the retina. It seems that for quite a long time I had this tumor growing dangerously into the back of my eye. For several months at least I had been in some form of denial. I remembered having a few 'near misses' while driving. I remembered tripping and falling several times while jogging when I didn't see things near my feet. I had fallen hard onto my left shoulder and it always seemed my right foot was betraying me. It took a long time for me to seek help for what was a life threatening problem!  If I had waited much longer for treatment and help it would have been much more difficult to bring healing to my life. Once Melanoma spreads beyond the eye it is often fatal.

  Denial had almost done it's fatal and sinister work.... of denying me healing and wellness. The first bedrock principle of healing is that we need to admit we're in need of help before we're healed! Too often we continue in denial until it's too late. Whether it's physical, mental or spiritual healing, the first step toward healing is always an acceptance of what's really happening in our lives. We don't want to get off the train of busyness to address the deep issues confronting our health. We want to do. We want to accomplish. We want to experience and live our dreams. But we are human beings and in that humanity there are ebbs and flows of wellness that sometimes say to us in various ways: Stop....Rest.....and become well.....be healed!

  We want healing ..... we want to be well....but we want it on our terms and timetable. I remember when I was advised by experienced physicians and experts that my own healing would involve the surgical implantation of a 'radiation plaque' into the back of my eye for 4 days. Needless to say it did not appeal to me at all. A radiologist informed me that most likely the effects of the radiation would  seriously reduce my vision in that eye. I didn't want either surgery or radiation! So prior to the surgery I prayed a lot! A few times after I prayed with eyes closed, I would open my affected eye and sense my vision was better. But in fact there was no change. It seemed as if I would have to go through the process recommended by my medical team. There was an internal struggle going on.  Couldn't I hit rewind and get back to being the healthy Pastor who helped heal others?

  Healing is indeed a journey. I hope to do some writing on the journey to healing over the next couple of weeks. The first lesson I learned on the journey to healing is that I need to move beyond denial. I need to be honest with myself and others to begin the journey and process that is healing. Let the healing begin!

Jim

A New Season

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven." (Ecclesiastes chapter 3)

I would like to share with you about how God works in our lives in particular times and seasons. This message is flowing out of the one year anniversary of my eye surgery for a melanoma tumor growing in the back of my right eye.

One year ago I entered a season of my life that I didn't expect and I didn't want to experience.  For much of my adult life I've been the one on the care giving side of life. As a Medical laboratory technician, Registered Nurse and Pastor I've been the 'go  to' guy in providing advice, counsel, prayer and support.

Suddenly and without warning 'the lights went out' in my right eye and I was now placed in a season of receiving care and being sent to places in the natural I would never want to go. In November of last year I wrote some reflections in my personal blog about what I was experiencing and I want to share some of that with you here. It references my expectation prior to the cancer diagnosis that I would be leading a mission trip to Nepal.

"On my way to Nepal, I took a wrong turn and wound up in Birmingham, Alabama. I had spent nearly a year planning on helping lead a team to serve the ministry of Compassion for Asia in Kathmandu, Nepal. I have had various emotions hit me over the last two weeks as I process the 'wrong turn' that led me to Birmingham, Alabama. It's one thing to understand and believe God is sovereign when he does what you want and expect with your life. But what about when our well laid plans are cancelled or altered? Well I am finding out it's not as easy as I thought! I have spent the last 31 years of my life immersing myself in God's word. It's a really good thing to have your soul saturated with truth. By God's grace which is transmitted to us through prayer and God's word, I've had an amazing peace on the inside of my life during this time.

Yesterday the radiologist who specializes in cancer treatment discussed my treatment with me. He gave me the facts regarding my prognosis and the effects the radiation will have on the cancer and also on my eye. The facts are stark and serious...but God is loving and he never stopped talking while Dr. Kim delivered his sobering assessment. One phrase of God's word which keeps coming to the surface of my soul over the last several days is 'momentary and light affliction'. I felt God telling me that whatever lies ahead of me must be placed in the context of his ongoing will for my life... an eternal perspective.

The phrase comes from Paul's letter to the church in Corinth (2 Corinthians chapter 4: and verses 16-18, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding  and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

I didn't get lost on my way to Nepal. I didn't make a wrong turn on my way to Birmingham, Alabama. The awesome and amazing thing about knowing and loving God is that he never leaves us...never forsakes us. His presence and purpose are being fulfilled in my life. So many of you who know me are praying and asking God to heal me. I have heard from hundreds of you via phone calls, texts, Facebook and Twitter. I appreciate your encouragement and love so much! I am listening to God through this process. I am still not completely comfortable being the the patient receiving the care and love from others. But clearly my right turn to Birmingham involves just that...being loved and cared for and healed by God and people...people like you, who choose to think of others and care for them in their time of need. I feel the love! I receive it with gratitude and great joy. There are three things that last forever, faith, hope and love. On the road to Birmingham I am being filled with all three in powerful and challenging ways. Thanks for taking the right turn to Birmingham with me. (end of blog from one year ago)

It's so very important to recognize that while we can observe the seasons of our lives and choose to embrace them...we cannot determine them or change them at will. Following God implies we trust him and lean to him for understanding.

Proverbs chapter 3: 5,6  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."

We are all pilgrims on a journey with God. The examples of the Biblical saints and Godly men and women show us the way of trust and surrender. I love the Godly example of the life of Jim Eliot who said, "Wherever you are be all there! Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."

Jim and Elizabeth Eliot are well known for their lives of commitment and service to God in difficult places. Jim was martyred in 1956 (along with 4 of his co-workers) in Ecuador while trying to reach tribal people with the gospel of Jesus Christ. He did not live long enough to see the transformation of the people he died for.  His life was guided by something he wrote in his journal in 1949, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."

We are all living day to day with expectations of what 'should be' happening in our lives. Those expectations are often colored by our lack of eternal perspective. We are often more guided by selfishness than by God's desire or perspective. But God is sovereign and he overrules us just as he did the Biblical prophet Jonah and every other stubborn man or woman of God. If God wants you in "Nineveh", he will get you there!

When we recognize and surrender ourselves fully to the seasons of our lives we are better able to bear fruit for God's glory.
John 15: 4,5
"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."

God's life flows through us like sap inside a vine....it's often sticky, slow and messy! We want our dreams and desires to be fulfilled right here, right now but salvation is both a present reality and a process of ongoing growth, development and transformation. You have been saved,  You are being saved, You will be saved!

Too often we resent the present work of God by rebelling against his authority of "seasonal development" in our lives. Our resistance is futile and actually dangerous for our "growing up" and the ultimate fulfillment of God's destiny and purpose in our lives.

Listen to the wisdom of Jesus from the gospel of John chapter 12: 23-26
"And Jesus answered them, "The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Truly, truly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves me, he must follow me and where I am there will be my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him."

When we learn to recognize, embrace and yield to the God designed seasons of life, we bear fruit for God's glory and honor...and thus we ourselves are honored by the Father's fulfillment of his purpose for creating us.

Perhaps God's will has taken you to places you never thought you would go. Right now you might be in a winter season of the soul... listen to this.

"Grace grows best in the winter." ~ Samuel Rutherford

Perhaps you are going through a winter season of the soul. All seems dark and cold. All that has supported and nourished you seems to have left you alone and feeling abandoned. Winter doesn't last forever. While you wait, the seeds of your future are being protected and prepared for the spring that will surely come. This season is a time for reflection and prayer. Listen for the Father's voice.

Every season that God has us in presents both challenges and blessings. As the wisdom of Solomon reveals to us in Ecclesiastes, we must understand that this is God's way of revealing himself in us and through us in this life of pilgrimage.

Don't resist God's times and seasons for your life. His grace is most fully realized and enjoyed when we place our head upon his chest like the apostle John at the last supper. You can trust him.

Drawn to the Light

Sudden calling, Inward longing
The path diverges and choices falling

Which way to go? Follow the light
Leaning forward in spite of pain

While others hold on to chains
I'm moving slowly with the One I love

Still uncertain of the chosen way
Love keeps filling the empty place

Faith won't fail me, Light keeps dawning
One day, One step, One way.
Drawn to the Light.

The Language of Dreams

  Men and women are made uniquely by God and in that creation we witness both substance and mystery. In the book of Genesis we read an astounding creation narrative, "God formed man out of dirt from the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life. The Man came alive--a living soul!" (Genesis 2:7)

  Man's story begins in the garden of Eden and it includes an amazing intimacy of relationship between creator and creation. The original perfect intimacy was broken through stepping out from under the God given boundaries meant to protect and preserve that relationship. Disobedience led to lost innocence and a change in relationship. A distance was created that we call shame. Disobedience has consequences and a break and distancing of relationship is a harrowing result of the sin that permeates our present reality.

  In Genesis 3:8, we get a little insight on what was lost, "When they heard the sound of God strolling in the garden in the evening breeze, the Man and his Wife hid in the trees of the garden, hid from God. Intimate fellowship is impossible when we're covered in the shame of true guilt. There is a huge gulf between man made relationship (religion) and God birthed relationship. One is a temporary salve of short term effect... the other is forever relationship of deep and satisfying joy. From the time of that initial break in relationship, God has been on an unending divine rescue mission to restore us back to himself. Lost is not primarily a place or location on a map we need to find.... it's actually more accurately defined as a break in relationship. When your relationships are right.... with God and others...you always wind up where you're supposed to be.

  We are complex creations of God. Our beings are a unique mix of body, soul and spirit. Our physical frame, our emotions, our minds and our inner person... our spirit are melded together in unique ways deeply impacted by the tragedy of sin. Hebrews 4:12 tells us of how we need truth to bring healing to the complexity of who we are, "For the word of God is sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart."

  We need truth to penetrate us before we can fully understand who we are in the depths of our personhood. At night when we get quiet we lay our heads down to rest... and we sleep...or at least we try to. For many sleep is a huge struggle. Restlessness keeps us feeling tired. Our bodily health, our emotional and spiritual state impact our 'night life' of dreams and rest.  We live in a broken world and our dream life is often tainted by various types of pain that seek to interrupt our sleep which is meant to be restorative and revelatory. We need many things to be whole and healthy. We know deeply that we need water, food and shelter to keep us well...but did you know you need to be able to dream to stay healthy?

  When Jesus died on the cross he was performing a selfless act of eternal significance... he as an innocent (sinless) sacrifice was dying for the sins of all humanity. Literally he died for you and me... to carry the penalty of our own waywardness and sin. Jesus rose from the dead and as a great gift of grace he poured out his Spirit on whoever would humbly call on that amazing grace of forgiveness.

  One of the signs of the Spirit of God being poured on his people is an increase in dreams and visions. In the book of Acts chapter 2 and verse 17 we read, "And in the last days it shall be, God declares, that I will pour out my Spirit on all flesh, and your sons and daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams...."

  God wants to speak to us in every conceivable way. We spend fully one third of our lives asleep!  Far too many of us don't fully embrace the value of the dreams God wants to both give and refine for our lives... in relationship. Like everything else that's broken by sin, our dream life is often distorted and tortured by our own rebellion and self centered souls. When we yield our lives to the great God of love we are meant to experience a renaissance of communion that deeply impacts every single moment of our transcendent existence. I want to challenge you to gain a new appreciation and desire for God to speak to you 24/7! 

Jim

The Call

  There comes a time in all our lives when we know we need something outside of ourselves to break in and show us the way forward. Often it comes in times of deep disappointment and pain. It might come after the death of a loved one, a fracture in a critical relationship, a loss of employment, a critical illness. 

Isaiah the prophet (chapter 6) responded to the death of King Uzziah with a new vision of reality. He saw things which he'd never seen....and he became someone he otherwise would have never been.Tragedy can either be an impetus to a life of meaning or lead us to a place of imprisonment. So much depends on our vision of God....and of ourselves. 

Isaiah saw God for who he really is. Majestic, on the throne, surrounded by Glory and HOLY. His glory covered the whole earth. In the shadow of who God is, Isaiah also discovered who he really was....a man of unclean lips ( a sinner) surrounded by people just like him. We're all equally lost and equally separated from God until the call comes to our heart and soul. 

We were created for something greater than the soley material realm. Buying and selling... sensual pleasure and carnal desires never totally satisfy someone created in the image of God. All of us were created for relationship with our maker. Until we hear his voice beckoning us.....calling us to himself, we're only living half a life. There is a VOICE crying out to all of us. We seldom hear that voice. Our small distractions and selfish decisions keep us far removed from hearing what really matters. We insist on our own way. We hear the screaming of the selfish hordes rushing on the broad highway of destruction. 

  But God comes and touches us on the inside. He shows us our broken places. We sense our weakness. We slow down our movement on the highway of destruction. We turn our ears heavenward and begin to hear the voice calling us home. Our Father touches us and heals us....and remakes us in his image. His call thrills our soul, "Who should I send? Who will go for us?" And with humility and hope, we reply, "Here am I. Send me." He's calling you right now. Slow down, listen carefully....his call is worth everything. Listen for his voice.